Emotional Confession

When not in a relationship people tend to longed to be in one... When in one they longed for freedom... What makes being in a relationship so addictive? What puzzled me most is when someone clings on to a relationship even when being unhappy in it.

Theres always ups and downs in everything in life just like a chart. I have been watching people around me who are single and attached. There are people who jump into relationships one after another to forget the pain the previous one has caused them, without realising they are hurting themselves more and is unfair to the other party as well.. Why do people wanna antagonise themselves more? Are we a bunch of psychos who enjoy being antagonised?

While the others are doing that I have learnt to let myself heal from the pains and learn the valuable lessons of being in a relationship and failing it. The process is long, loney and definitely painful. But hey it helps us to grow isn't it? Being in love is a great thing, being out of love is not the end of the world, just an end to a chapter in life just like a novel. That is my perception of ending a relationship. Ofcourse ending a relationship can go both ways - either snap out of it and become braver, or go into inclusion shy away losing all the courage to love again.

I remembered being in love with someone when I was 21, yes I loved him. I loved that person, but the differences in us was just too big and we were too immature to handle the sticky situation. Communications broke down between us, we couldn't communicate face to face anymore, I could still remember the day we broke off. Was at a mall, we couldn't speak to each other and had to type messages out in our mobile when sitting next to each other. YES - down right childish, told you we couldn't handle each other anymore. I somehow knew that I had to let him go, loving someone doesn't mean that I had to have him by my side and making the both of us unhappy. I am laughing at that now as I am writing this entry. I dare to admit now that I was once a silly kid!

It occured to me that it was the strangest thing - he was the one who wanted to break up with me and I have accepted the fact that we are better off as friends. So I buried myself in work, trying to forget about the pain of breaking up. Then one faithful day, I was chatting with him over ICQ at work, he told me he missed me by his side, and that the relationship between us was tearing him apart(despite 6 long months of not having him by my side, I was never really over him at that period of time either). But I chosed to put on a strong front, despite hiding myself behind the monitor screen. I choose to asked him a question that I later kicked myself for being mean to both of us - Relationship? What relationship? We were over ages ago more than 6months! There I succeeded in getting him thinking that I could shrug the whole breakup off putting it behind me just like that. I am but a prideful kid, still young and inexperience, I didnt know how to handle emotional issues properly back then. That conversation over ICQ made me realised that I was in denial all along, I really loved this guy and was yepping in pain, it reopened my wounds, but still refused to admit defeat! This is how stubbon Taurus could get.

We made a pact to talk about it after his holiday, taking time to sort his thinking out, the discussion never happen. He so went into another relationship after he came back from the holiday. To me at that point of time - it was totally bullshit! Back then I was thinking he must be suffering from amnesia of some kind, he acted as if he had said nothing out of the ordinary. I finally lost it called him a bastard, yeh I shoot my mouth off again...And kicking myself later for saying things that I didn't mean.

Few months later, I finally found the courage to speak to him again (this time i am 2500 miles away from him - back in Perth). Called him, he was still caring, asked me how I was doing, I wanted to tell him how I felt but somehow never got the chance to. After the fone call I decided to punish myself and him, sent him an email that got him and me never to speak to each other again. (I just dun understand at that point of time what on earth I have done to be stringed along thinking that he would take me back again. ) But hey, I just wanted him to know that I have been thru alot of shit in that duration - 6 months of post breakup heartache, how dare he say that I shrugged the whole issue off my back just like that? He didnt know what I was going through, I haven't been brave enough to tell him that I was just as heart broken, I had chosen to show a strong me that I was doing well without him, how was he to know? I must admit it was an email of wrong choices of words (yeh here and there - egoestic person here we are talking about), also I did a good job in concealing my feelings back then. Perhaps we were never meant to be. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps..... It felt surprisingly good after I clicked on send.

I never did find out what went wrong in that relationship other than know that I was egorstic and prideful, just like he will never know that I was equally or probably more upset than he ever was. (But who cares now? That was all in the past.. as long as I learnt my lesson well that'd be good enough.. Never live in the past, always look into the future). My pride and ego might have played a huge part in the failure of that chapter of my life, nevertheless, I never regretted letting him go, afterall loving someone is to let the person be happy and not feeling suffocated by forcing him to be with me.

I have learnt to speak frankly about how I really feel since then. People around me found my frankness and being too straight forward abit overkill. Rather to have some one telling me this again - "you are not an easy girl to handle", i rather be frank and straight forward to the people around me. I finally understood what my ex was saying, when he told me that I understand him more than he understand me; I have been hiding my true feelings and not reveal to him how I really feel.

Feelings towards this particular person has long gone, what I have now is valuable lesson learnt in this chapter. As the saying goes, that which did not kill you, makes you a stronger and better person.

There will be times in an event of an argument that I would walk away, I truly believe in talking things out calmly, instead of shouting at each other, I would rather take an emotional issue as a intellectual discussion. If we are both shouting at each other, who is listening?

Why am I writing about this arh? Cuz I want my blog to be like sex and the city? haaa...