Not long ago someone left a comment on my blog for the entry on Communications Meltdown. He/she commented that "it (communications) ceased when people stop making the effort to make things work. The touch of mystery gave way to familiarity. Everything got to be too comfortable and inevitably led to complacency...." It's very true. When people get comfortable there's no such thing as mystery. And being lazy asses people often take things for granted. No communications needed as the partner is supposed to be psychic, supposed to know whatever is going on around and in the person's head.
Of course I agree with this person who left me the comment that its romantic to make the person you love falling in love all over again everyday... A perfect ideology!
Now as I am typing this entry, I am talking to a friend of mine who has not been lucky in love. Well seems it happens that she is unlucky all the time. She was asking me when I am heading home. I jokingly said that if she had prayed harder for me to win lottery I might have a chance of flying home straight away and buy her that plasma TV she wanted so badly. She was like maybe you can buy me a dream guy. Oh my god! How can she even have the thoughts of buying love?
So here I am digging out what I always say. Money can buy me a lot of things but it can never buy me happiness. One has to learn to love oneself, before asking others to love thee. Who can love you when you are not loving yourself? It got me thinking.. When I met him, I was a mess... I haven't been doing well in school... Failing some subjects more than once. To be frank, I have always been placed top 10 in class in secondary school. I dunno what had gotten into me that I failed everything in poly!
He was only a few months older, he has already got a bachelor degree in engineering in his belt, not to mention that he had finished his thesis for his honors degree. I always had this insecurity that I am never going to be good enough for him. His sisters are all graduates, his brother in law - a PHD holder, himself 2nd class upper honors. Then with me all alone here when he is back serving NS (which by the way is a total screw-up for relationships).
Now thinking back, I was a total idiot to have this thought in my head, not that he minded, but it certainly put some pressure on me to do well.. when I had problems and failed 2 units back then I felt so bad firstly, I knew I was wasting my parents money and secondly I felt that I was dumb and not good enough for him. If he had truly love me he would not be ashamed when I was working at a night club(for god's sake not that kinda night club - KTV, its a DISCO! I shall not name it for I do not want to advertise for them!) as a door host (or door bitch who refuse entry if you are not pretty enough or not well dressed enough). Sandy,if you are reading this, love is not magical, nor I believe in love at first sight, it should be lust at first sight!
No I do not blame him for anything, for it is just not meant to be for us. Besides it's been over for so long. Well, infact I have gone out with someone else two years after him and I broke up. This time this person has a lower education than me. He is nice and very much predictable, communications with him was hell. I cannot help but compare the two guys. This time I was in his shoes. I did not mind about his education being lower than mine. There is just something that made the relationship hell. Maybe I am just not a people person when it comes to relationships.
Love is blind. This I do agree. It applies to me not in the same sense it means, instead it means to me that I am blind to my own actions. Maybe I am just too egoestic for my own good, I always want things to go the way I wanted them to. I refused to admit defeat. Maybe I am just afraid of falling. But as I grow, it just made me realise one important thing, it's not about the pain of falling. It's about learning how to cut losses, falling in a less painful way. The more you fall the less painful it's gonna get because you are numb to the pain. To me every fall is just as painful, its about how fast it heals.
Maybe its simply just being ready to be un-miserable, until then...
4 comments:
Geeeeeeeeezzzz! How do you know I am reading your blog? Lust as 1st sight? Hmm... where on earth you got that idea? We are not going to talk abt Romeo and Juliet or Rose and Jack stories here. as those are myth. But, I don't believe that we can't find love at 1st sight.. I mean like some kind of feeling..like some kind of "crushes" at 1st sight. Slowly become couples. AND I still find that Love is Magical... Didn't it ever make you so happy like a "bird" and din it, you make so sad like "shit" when the "love" is there din it make you like a princess? Love is like a surprise... like seeing your love ones carrying soft toy waiting at your door. see your love ones making effort to buy an air tix to visit you at Perth. those surprise is like watching a magic show don't know what it be next... One or two relationship failure, doesn't mean that there is no miracle in the forth or fifth one. Don't you agree with me??
Ofcourse i know u been reading my blog la... U changed the song to the same one i was using and u told me..
Now what i am trying to say is that loving someone means u r willing to make sacrifices for that person. I mean how many people are willing to give up what they have for a person they met just 2 minutes ago? As u said, slowly become couple... That takes time. If you dun like what u see at first it certainly lessen the chance of developing anything rite? I am just trying to be realistic here... yes it was EXTREMELY sweet of him to surprise me at my doorstep. I am not saying that he didnt make me happy, but it upset me when he put it in a way that he was so ashamed that I was working as a door host. It's still a decent job what.. Yeh i admit that i took it up beacuse it was fun and it wasnt paying bad. Anyway... Like I've said in my earlier post... Maybe love at first sight does happen... but until it happens to me... i still believe that it should be lust at first sight!
Perharps, he didn't feel ashamed of you being as door host, he just don't want you to be taken advantage by those "wolves". He had appeared as a "werwolf" to win you over.. How can he bear to see you others of the "same spieces" to lay a hand on you?
As you said "If you dun like what u see at first it certainly lessen the chance of developing anything rite?"
Sorry I don't buy that. Take Andy and my case for instance, did I give him the idea that I want to be f**k by him? Do you think Andy really was my prince charming? Do you find him sex appeal? My answer to that is NO! But I still love him.... sometime flaw can be beauty.. that why I am so chio.. LOL **pukes out my lunch**
But even though that time I didn't have to the feeling toward him, I willing to take the risk to try out.. I might be playful but not desprated ok?
Andy and I had gone through the courtship and become now as couple.
Our "relationship" developed only after I warded to SGH for my 2nd operation.
I think being in a relationship, one has to accept the other for who the are. Is not what u do but who u r. If he loves u and u have not done anything wrong, he should trust u.
Nothing wrong with a door host, its still a profession and there's nothing shameful about it. Every parent bound to be unfamilar to u initially but after some time of bonding, they can understand u better and overlook the others. Unless they are so god damn proud of what they think they have..
If they are in anyway gracious and highly educated, they will learn to behave like one.
Although sometimes relationship can get very mono but Joe and I believe that we will never be the same person 10yrs or even 1 yr later. When u use the heart of forever discovering your partner then u'll find it interesting. As long as ur honest and sincere about each other.
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